Like everyone’s favorite vintage purse, Carrie Bradshaw and ladies of Sex and the City are back for their second full length feature film.

Just like old times, the movie (2 hours and 27minutes) takes place in beautiful New York City where money is no object, and the fashion is fierce.

While most of us can name every episode from every season, I admit I was afraid of what a movie would do to the perfect series ending Michael Patrick King (Director/Writer) left us. Especially since the first one took place years after the show ended – I thought it was too late. It even took me a FULL YEAR before I broke down to see SATC the Movie…which turned out to be perfect in every way. So, like many SATC fans, I got dressed up, met my girls for cosmos, and headed off to the premiere expecting the same perfection as the rest of the women in the theatre. Unfortunately, I left feeling like I just found out that my beloved purse was a knock-off.

In some television series, the writers and directors have 1 or 2 episodes of just fluff. (Example: In Season 3 when the girls took the trip to L.A.) Almost like if it never happened no one would miss it, and wouldn’t affect the characters or major plots. This is what Sex and the City 2 was for me. A very loooong fluff episode, packed with cheesy one-liners, and even cheesier celebrity guest appearances. Now I didn’t hate the movie, but if it never existed we’d all be ok. I left disappointed.

While all of the characters returned (including Aiden, Smith, Magda, and even the boy who played Brady) I found that lots of their dialog was just a bunch of punch lines. Of course I would hate for something tragic to happen to any of these characters, but that doesn’t mean what comes out of their mouth has to be meaningless. I almost felt that the characters were acting ‘out of character’ because MPK didn’t want to upset the fans by taking risks. Part of the reason so many of us connect to these women is because they had real issues that didn’t get wrapped up in 30 minutes or less. It almost felt like they were trying so hard to strike while the iron was hot (the success of SATC 1) that they didn’t take the time to actually tell a story, or move the characters along. Some of the ALMOST story lines were rushed along and got a big red bow tied around them almost immediately which just made the 2 hours and 27 mins seem more like 22 hours! If everything is ok now, why the hell are we still here?!

Some things I could’ve done without (without giving up the goods) were: the Stanford/Anthony relationship (Those two would rather turn to women then each other! Who are you fooling?!), the ridiculous guest appearances like Miley Cyrus, and Liza Minnelli (that was actually interesting) and the return of Aiden! I know! I loved his character, but the nature they brought him back in made him out to be a dirtbag, not the Aiden we all fell in love with.

Some things I could’ve watched over and over were: the gold glitter Stuart Weitzman shoes Carrie wears in the beginning of the movie (the whole audience ooohed and ahhhhed), the 80’s flashback of how the girls met, Miranda trying to speak Indian, and just the comradery of :Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. It was very rare that all 4 were having a convo together of something of substance, but in the few moments that it did happen, it was hard to imagine these were actresses, and not real people. This whole cast has an extraordinary chemistry that cannot be argued.

Overall, I give Sex and the City 2- 2 ½ out of 4 Cosmos (sometimes a girl needs a half).

While it was nice to revisit the girls, I spent nearly 3 hours in a theatre and left feeling like if another SATC movie were to come out they might as well call it “2” because the real “2” was just fluff.

I think if you love Sex and the City you will appreciate it, and laugh out loud. I know as fans, we’re desperate for more, but MPK should’ve waited a bit to have more of a story to tell. We don’t get to see these ladies as much as we use to, so when we do see them, I want the same quality time we were spoiled with for 6 years.

Seems like the summer is just getting started and we’ve already lost so much!  Even more unbelieveable,  Lindsay Lohan and Alexis Neiers are not responsible for what’s missing…that I know of?!

The good news is, while we may be boo-hooing over what’s gone, by the time the BBQ is fired up for the 4^th, the “new” will be so hot, you may think you’ve fallen on to the grill itself! So throw that chicken cutlet on the barbie! We have plenty of things to fill that bikini with what the Summer has on the way…

OUT!  Retiring for good are some long running shows that we may not like that much anymore, but watch out of loyalty or because we hope they’ll stop being complete crap.

Law and Order, 24, Ugly Betty, Lost, The Bonnie Hunt Show, Monk, Nip/Tuck, Reno 911, Saving Grace, The Tyra Banks Show, Guiding Light, As the World Turns, The Jay Leno Show, and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien are all going to the big network mansion in the sky.  

While all were not results of cancellation, (Tyra Banks pulled her show to “go out on top,” insert eye roll) a few of the shows are just jumping around, (The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien is now with Jay leno, and Conan is doing his own late night show on TBS) While some of the others are rumored to be making the jump to the big screen like Ugly Betty, 24, and Lost.  Seriously Lost? You were “lost” for 6 years! How are you still “lost”?!

IN! Entourage, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Mad Men, Burn Notice, Drop Dead Diva, and my personal obsession, True Blood, will all be back in full swing by Mid-June. With the exception of Secret Life, (which is more for the 90210 crowd with a spoonful of cheese) all of those shows will have you googling spoiler boards!

If you need your reality show fix, The Bachelorette is back (to not find “the one”) and Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. If you’re looking for something with actual talent though (that term is used loosely) America’s Got Talent will be returning in June as well.

And speaking of reality shows, it looks like FOX is laying the ground work to slowly phase American Idol out!  

Rumors are that next season the show will follow Glee and be shorter in length which will, (A) Have all the Gleeks spilling their viewership over to Idol to boost their declining ratings or, (B) Totally backfire and have people switching channels as soon as Glee is done.

Either way, this year’s snooze fest is done…along with Simon Cowell, Band Leader Ricky Minor (who is heading to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno)and Paula Abdul who is still gone (figuratively and literally)  

Big congratulations going out to Lee Dewyze from Mt. Prospect, IL who was this year’s winner. You can see Lee perform along with the other top 10 contestants from this year on-tour this summer. To find out when they’ll be in your town click: American Idol Tour Dates. The cast of Glee also kicked off their tour a few weeks ago. You can find them here: Glee tour dates.

Also expected to tour is Dancing with the Stars, who just named TRAINED DANCER & Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger this year’s winner.  I’m sure ousted and rhythmless contestant Kate Gosselin has all her kids making voodoo dolls of the cast.

Some other bits and pieces to stuff in to your bikini…

 Bret Michaels is recovering nicely after having heart surgery and a brain hemmorage! No worries, he was not driving the Rock of Love tour bus when all these health issues occurred (although some of the wholesome girls on board appear as if they’ve already been in an accident) everyone is fine! He even had some time to sing on the American Idol finale, and was crowned the new Celebrity Apprentice. He and Donald Trump should come out with a line of hair products…or even better hair pieces! Ouch! But YEA at the same time!

The late Brittany Murphy’s hubby, Simon Monjack, 39, was found dead of an apparent heart attack in the couple’s home. The same place where Britney passed away 5 months ago! Simon was accused of all kinds of shadiness from taking Brit’s money, to even being the cause of her death! While no one deserves to die, I’ve got 2 words for you, “Kar” and “Ma”!

Last but not least, Sex and the City 2 hits theatres nationwide begininning, May 27^th! Check your local listings for bars that will honor your ticket stub for a free Cosmo opening weekend! And that’s really all that needs to be said! Who cares about bikinis, summer and sunblock when the Cosmos are free?!

 Happy Early Summer!!

by Rebecca Ortiz

With Summer long gone, and Halloween being everyday in Hollywood…now is the time we should all focus on Thanksgiving, and all that we have to be thankful for! This year I give thanks to the ever-so-over-flowing cornucopia of dysfunction called celebrity! You might as well grab the big plate – somehow all these dishes run together!

Michael Jackson is the main corpse…I mean course here! While we will NEVER (yes I said never) hear a conclusion or get justice – let’s give thanks to the movie, “This is It.” The movie itself is 2-hours of film shot while practicing for his comeback tour (over 80 hours were originally shot) and the spaces in-between filled with stories of what made him who he is. While it didn’t pull in the ginourmous numbers expected, the demand for it was enough to turn the short stay at the box office in to a bit longer. The DVD is expected to include much more outtakes from the 80-hours shot.

From the big screen to your TV screen, I bet Rihanna is thankful this year to be single! She’s got a new album due out on November 23rd called “R-Rated,” and an interview with Diane Sawyer that will finally give her a chance to tell her story about her abusive relationship with Chris Brown! This is no puff-piece people! She really puts it out there and it’s powerful! You can catch the full interview Friday, November 6th on 20/20. Of course Chris Brown won’t be upstaged and has slated another pathetic interview on MTV talking about his charges. He’s also planned what he called a “Fan Appreciation Tour” and is hitting some smaller venues in big cities just before the New Year. While Rihanna’s interview doesn’t focus on her new album, you can bet your sweet potatoes that Chris mentions his new album, “Graffiti” dropping December 15th.

Lady Gaga should probably give thanks to the cancelation of the, “Fame Kills Tour” with master douche Kanye West! Gaga sold out her own tour (with Kid Cudi and Jason Derulo) in mere minutes! Good luck getting a ticket! Better luck asking Hanukkah Harry or Santa for the re-release of “The Fame” album – it has 8 new tracks and will be available November 23rd.

Speaking of Kanye West, my guess is Taylor Swift if thankful for him! REALLY! She says she’s forgiven him and rumor has it he will be making a guest appearance when she hosts/is the musical guest on SNL on November 7th! More thanks from Taylor would probably go to her new squeeze, ‘Twilight’ star Taylor Lautner. Too cute.

I’m sure Twilight fans are uber thankful for the “Twilight: New Moon” movie hitting theatres on November 20th! The cast is also doing some promotional mall appearances leading up to the big premiere. Click here to see if they are making a stop near you! Twilight Promotional Dates

Someone who is not thankful for all promotion may be Fergie and her hunk o’husband Josh Duhamel. While she’s off promoting her new movie, “Nine,” word is he’s putting his drumstick in well… prostitutes (now way around that one?!). Both call the claims ridiculous. Publicity stunt or not, Fergie can’t escape prostitutes. She plays a singing prostitute in her new movie with Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz out November 25th.

 Last but not least, New York Yankees are thankful for their 27th World Series win! No cursed new stadium, no cursed girlfriend in Kate Hudson – just beating the Phillies/defending champions 4 games to 2, in the best-of-seven series. (I am thankful to my friend Fattie, a diehard Yanks fan, for having the patience with me to get that right! LOL)

Happy Thanksgiving!

by Rebecca Ortiz

While the summer is getting close to bidding us adios, the drama in Tinseltown stops for no season! The stories surrounding the untimely death of Michael Jackson have fizzled a bit, but it’s far from closure! The rest have made their seasonal headlines by getting into nonsense (instead of a leading role) and ending up with a big fat wah-wah…instead of the “star status” they crave!

-First, some Michael Jackson cliff notes: Michael’s three children were legally placed in the care of his mother Katherine.  The results of his autopsy are back, but NOT being revealed?! WTF?! His Doctor Conrad Murray has been arrested and is facing manslaughter charges. PS – he still hasn’t been buried! 

As for a tribute concert and movie, there are many things said to be “in the works,” but nothing has been confirmed. The A&E channel was in talks with the Jackson brothers about shooting a 1-hour reality show pilot, with the intentions of reuniting them with Michael for some kind of concert, but Mike never agreed to it. Sources say that the deal hasn’t been pulled off the table despite circumstances.

Interesting news though is that several pieces of MJ’s memorabilia, being intended to be sold in auction to pay off his debts, have gone missing! I’m not talking t-shirts or pics – try things like 60 unreleased master tapes that contained never heard tracks! Some of the items were also things that were supposed to be returned to Mike! The items were allegedly under the care of his lawyer Henry Vaccaro, and being kept in a Las Vegas storage unit that was “broken in to.” Suuuuure it was! Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a good chunk of MJ’s debt is to lawyers! I’m not saying he did it, I’m just saying let’s see if he’s selling things on eBay ok? While we’re at it I’d check on Joe and Latoya Jackson too!

 -Speaking of my 2^nd to least favorite Jackson, Latoya, she was rumored to be part of the new cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” but big fat wah-wah for her! She didn’t make the cut! The season premiere is on ABC on September 21^st and is painful as ever! Some of the more familiar names include: Donny Osmond, Melissa Joan Hart, Mya (who is my pick), Aaron Carter, and Kelly Osbourne. To see the whole list check out www.abc.com .

-Someone else who was rumored to be joining the DWTS cast was former “America Idol” judge Paula Abdul! Yes, I said FORMER! So let’s start there! 

With Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowel getting double digit million dollar salaries, Paula decided to play hard ball with producers threatening to walk if they didn’t up her $4 million/yr to $10 million – and needless to say she got struck out! Wah-wah Paula! When word got out that she might be leaving though, she was offered guest spots on shows like, “So You Think You Can Dance” (run by former Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe) and she even tried to come up with her own concept which didn’t pan out. Sources said that Paula was in talks with DWTS and wouldn’t negotiate with AI because she was holding out for that, and since it didn’t work out, now she wants back on Idol! Paula’s reps say it’s not true. I personally think it was planned the whole time. I mean HELLO? Kara DioGuardi? She was brought in so Paula could bounce. I do think Paula wanted to stay, but a massive cast change like that only happens when stuff hits the fan and let’s be honest – Paula can barely get both eyes looking at the camera at the same time. This was planned. Paula’s seat will now be filled with a rotating guest judge. Mary J. Blige, Victoria Beckham, Shania Twain, and Katy Perry are a few of the guests who have filled in during the auditions thus far. The new season of American Idol starts on Tuesday, January 8^th, 2010. Notice how Randy Jackson is never mentioned?! Poor Randy! Wah-wah for you too dog! 

- While it pains me to even mention these 2 idiots, it’s EVERYWHERE: Jon and Kate Plus 8! Jon is having some mid-life crisis dating a bunch of women with daddy issues, while Kate has command of their army of children. He’s also doing some crap with Steve Hardy (the official clothing line of Douchebags) and is now demanding his own reality show! Good luck with that! I’m almost starting to see why Kate was such a rag to him. 

-Oprah is getting sued for $1.2 trillion. Yes, you read the title correctly. Author Damon Lloyd Goffe claims Oprah published pieces of his work, ‘A Tome of Poetry,’ but referred to it as ‘Pieces of My Soul’ on her website, and then went on to sell 650 million copies of it. The books sold for $20/each = $1.2 trillion…and he wants it. Suing Oprah is like suing Jesus! You don’t do that! I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible too. Oprah’s got better things to do then steal someone else’s crappy poetry.

-In more Oprah news, Whitney Houston is starting her musical comeback (sin Bobby Brown) on Oprah. This will be her first T.V. appearance in 7 years. (and it will be Oprah’s 24^th season opener) Whitney’s new album, “I Look To You” drops on Aug. 31^st.

-Other starters, “The Jay Leno Show” will debut on NBC September 14^th! Jay’s guests will be Jerry Seinfeld, and musical guests Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Kanye West. All those names in one sentence already smashed his ratings competition! 

-Last but definitely not least, Jessica Simpson got banned from Tony Romo’s gated community! Apparently, Tony left strict instructions with the guards in his Dallas gated community that Jess was NOT allowed in under any circumstances! Sources say there was even a sign that was visible from the guard shack that read, “Red Alert! Tony Romo has made some changes to the list of people allowed in. Jessica Simpson is no longer on the list and not approved for access.” LOL! You know she had to do something crazy to get banned like that! I would LOVE to know what!! Poor Jess! She gets biggest wah-wah of all!

by Rebecca Ortiz

Ever heard the old wives’ tale, “Everything happens in 3’s”?  Well if you’re a celeb (even on the Z-list) you are aware…and flipping the heck out! Celebs are dropping like flies!

Long time sidekick of Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, passed away on June 23^rd from what is described as “multiple health problems.” His agent would not disclose the exact cause of death. A close friend said that one of his illnesses was bone cancer. He was 86.

Two days later, on the morning of June 25^th, Farrah Fawcett lost her nearly 3-year battle with cancer, she was 62.

But the biggest shocker of all came later that afternoon when the legendary Michael Jackson unexpected died!

While devastated, Celebs found solace in the “everything happens in 3’s” theory thinking it was over, until 3 days later when infomercial phenom Bill Mays died!

Best known for pushing cleaning products like OxiClean, Billy actually had a brush with death the day before his passing. A plane he was on literally had a crash landing and he got a pretty massive bump to the head. He joked with paparazzi while leaving the hospital that he had a “hard head” so he was fine. Only when he went home and to bed that night, he never woke up!

While the press immediately blamed some kind of internal head trauma from the plane incident less than 24 hours prior, autopsy results revealed he passed from complications from heart disease. He was 50.

So did Billy start the beginning of another cycle of 3? Are infomercial people in a different category? If so, look out ShamWow dude! Either way, all of that was pushed outside, (for now) while the world coped with shocking death of Michael Jackson.

In case you were in a coma, here is the extreme recap of quite possibly one of the biggest stories our lifetime will ever see…

On June 25^th, paramedics in L.A. responded to a 9-1-1 call made to the mansion where MJ was staying. They arrived to find him in cardiac arrest, without a pulse, and immediately rushed him to the hospital. Less than an hour after arrival, hospital officials announced that doctors were unable to revive him, and pronounced him dead. He was 50.

While autopsy/toxicology reports are still pending, it’s believed that Michael passed away from cardiac arrest that was caused from a ‘painkiller cocktail’ – a combination of heavy painkillers – all of which are only available through a doctor’s prescription, or administered as anesthetic for surgery!  Yes, you read that correctly! What the heck was Mike doing taking anesthesia when he wasn’t having surgery?! The Jackson family has also hired a private expert to do a second autopsy as well.

Several sources claim that Michael has a severe and long-time addiction to painkillers. It’s also rumored that Michael had been dead for well over an hour before paramedics were contacted. To further that speculation, Michael’s live-in doctor (who was the one trying to revive him before paramedics arrived) had gone missing after his death for 48-hours!  This whole story is very De Ja Vu of Anna Nicole Smith. (except Michael had talent) Michael was hooked on painkillers, was being illegally supplied from licensed physicians, and one day took too much. Once these results are in, heads will definitely start to roll.

In the months leading up to Michael’s death, he was preparing for a final tour in London. The press was invited to watch his final rehearsals –which turned out to be literal – and unanimously said he had finally “come back”.  Interesting fact, the concert promoter’s took out a nearly $18 million insurance policy on Mike (which apparently isn’t uncommon for big shows and performers) BUT it covered “drug overdose” – which is NOT common. Hmm…Was MJ a ticking time bomb?? Or worse, a target???

All speculation aside, what can be confirmed is that Twitter had over 5,000 tweets per minute when the news broke of his passing, and hotels in the surrounding area of the Staple Center (where his public memorial was held) sold out EVERY hotel within 20 minutes of announcing his services! Plus, nearly 1.7 million people from around the world registered to get the free tickets to his memorial (given away lottery style) Only 11,000 pairs were given away. Some of the tickets were selling on eBay for $20,000!

Michael was laid to rest in a $25,000 coffin made of bronze and gold-plating. The Jackson family has not decided on a “final resting spot” yet, so his body is rumored to be in Barry Gordy’s crypt (Barry Gordy is the founder of Motown and long-time friend of the Jackson family).  

Some of the more ridiculous stories floating around: Michael’s ghost is haunting the Neverland Ranch, he was buried without a brain, he had a secret wife (not Billie Jean), Michael had over 200 unreleased songs he left for his children as a gift after his passing (which was true), and his 3 children were not biologically his…which turned out to be true as well!

No word on who the father, or mother is for that matter, but his children Prince Michael, Paris Michael, and Prince Michael II (referred to as “Blanket”) are in temporary custody of MJ’s mom Katherine (per his will). It is rumored that the father of his children is his dermatologist (which he denies) Debbie Rowe, the alleged mother of Prince and Paris, is claiming she will sue for custody. So-called friends of Debbie say she just wants money. So sad…and SO not over by a long shot!

So until next time, I’ll leave you with some news that won’t have you ready to be a statistic in the Celeb / Old Wives’ Tale stats…

Mariah Carey is ready to take over the world again with her new album. “Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel” is due out August 24^th.  The first single, “Obsessed” is doing well and the world premiere for the video is set for July 15^th during her hubby Nick Cannon’s show “America’s Got Talent” on NBC (9/8C).

If you can’t wait until Wednesday for the video, check it out right now: Mariah Carey’s Obsessed Video

by Rebecca Ortiz

Why waste your precious time and money trying to keep up with who’s sleeping with who, or gettting canceled this week in Tinseltown?

Here’s what you NEED to know to stay connected, and still have time leftover to be fabulous! Plus, hearing how ridiculous the daily lives of celebs are will be as balancing as Zoloft !

Enjoy!

Chris Brown is receiving death threats! While everyone has talked smack about how he should get beat down for what he did, the L.A.P.D. are saying they believe these threats are the real deal!

The threats are coming from a group called, “Women’s Protection Action League.”   Authorities say the group could be a cover, but some of the threats include specifics like the assassin would be posing as a paparazzi!

Sources say that Chris is beyond paranoid, and won’t go anywhere without a minimum of 3 bodyguards. He also has 3-4 undercover guards that include a mixture of male and females. Don’t worry the chicks are just as tough as the guys.

No word if there are any leads on the threats.

In some related news, Rihanna was  subpoenaed to testify in his upcoming preliminary trial set for June 22nd.

American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is on the cover of the new ‘Rolling Stone’ . The press was making this huge fuss about him “coming out,” while the rest were tearing him apart saying he was stealing the spotlight away from the real winner Chris Alan.

I was leaning more towards the second one until I actually read it myself. Adam commented in the article that he wasn’t hiding anything because he was “out” and very comfortable with it, and avoiding the topic had nothing to do with getting attention. Bottom line, he didn’t want his presence on the show to be about his “sexuality” but about his ability to sing.  American Idol IS a singing competition right?! Adam also mentioned he did get a record deal with 19 Entertainment (AI’s label). Whether he can be one of the few to beat the Idol record failure trend is yet to be seen.

In more American Idol news, the dust hasn’t even settled from season 8, and the auditions are starting again! If you think you’ve got what it takes make sure to check out the American Idol website to see when they are invading your town! Auditions are already under way!

Britney Spears is rumored to be dating her manager Jason Trawick. While her reps won’t confirm that, sources are saying that everyone (including her grits-making Pappy) approve of him. 

In news they would confirm – Britney is returning to the states for 20 more shows for her “Circus” tour. Tickets for the added shows go on sale Friday, June 21st and begin in August.

The Black Eyed Peas new album “The E.N.D.” hit stores June 9th. This is their first album in 4 years and don’t worry it’s not their last! (E.N.D. stands for “Energy Never Dies”) Record execs guesstimate that first week record sales will exceed 350,000 copies.

Last but not least…If you can’t get enough of Johnny Depp you have something in common with Jerry Bruckheimer! Ha! Jerry said he wasn’t ready quite ready to let go of Johnny’s character Jack Sparrow from “Pirates of the Carribean,” so he approached him about making another movie and Johnny said YES! Details of a possible story line and other returning cast members was not disclosed. The next installment will be out in 2012.